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FHM "BLOKE TEST"- Mitch and Nick (Oct. 1996)

 
1:      Can you hotwire a car?

MP:     Yeah.  When I lived in Turkey, I used to lose the keys to my car
        a lot so I had to.  It's so easy, you just have to cross the
        terminals.  But I haven't done it for a very long while though 
        (1) point

NL:     Yes.  I've never had to do it but I do know how to. I think I 
        learned from watching TV   (1)


2:      If stranded after a plane crash, could you eat human flesh?

MP:     If it was all that was available, then I suppose I probably
        would.  But if it tastes like chicken, then I'm there man - 
        give me that leg!   (1)

NL:     Absolutely.  I wouldn't hesitate.  Well, I'd wait till they 
        were dead.  But I don't think I'd have a big problem.  I've 
        heard the ass is a good place to start.  The last thing would
        be the balls.  And I've leave the heads   (1)


3:      Have you ever had an accident with electricity?

MP:     I got a pretty good jolt trying to change a fuse in a 
        transformer once.   (1)

NL:     I was in Costa Rica using an outdoor shower and there were 
        exposed wires above it, and I stuck up my hand and zzzz! It was
        fucking horrible.  I've been electrocuted many, many times. 
        (1)


4:      Have you ever set fire to your hair?

MP:     One 4th of July I was running around the yard with a sparkler,
        and a bit flew off into my hair and gave my scalp a pretty good
        burn.  And once a big firecracker went off in my hand - that
        smarted a bit.   (1)

NL:     I was camping once and it was pouring with rain and I went to 
        light a fire.  Somebody had poured petrol all over it - I threw
        a match and whoomph!  Every hair on my head went up.  It was a
        terrible smell.   (1)


5:      Have you ever woken up and found that someone had shaved off
        your eyebrows?

MP:     No.  That's never happened.  I don't think anyone would want to
        do that to me.  I'd find out who did it and beat them to a pulp.
        It's a brutal thing to do.   (0)

NL:     No, but I've done it to a friend.  We had a drunk weekend at a 
        friends cabin and tried to shave his legs, but we were so drunk
        that there were hacks all over his legs.  He was covered in
        blood.   (0.5)


6:      Do you generally order the largest portion in a restaurant?

MP:     If I'm gonna order prime rib, I'm gonna order the biggest piece
        they got.  And I insist on eating everything on my plate. That's
        why I have to work out every day - If I didn't, I'd weight 300
        pounds.   (1)

NL:     Yes, I always ask "Is it big?  Does a lot come with it?"
        I had three pieces of salmon today.  I hate it when you pay X
        amount of money in a restaurant for the tiniest meal.  I can
        put away the groceries!   (1)


7:      have you ever drunk a Prairie Oyster?

MP:     I don't drink that often, but when I do, I really drink up.
        I've done a lot of stupid things.  I once went round a Saudi
        town I lived in absolutely blitzed.  I'm surprised I didn't
        get a hand lopped off.   (0)

NL:     Cow shit in a beer?  Sure.   (1)


8:      Are you handy with a firearm?

MP:     Yeah.  In the course of what I do, I've had to fire a lot of
        guns, from an M-80 machine gun to various rifles and pistols.
        And I got a 9mm in The X-Files.  Wearing a firearm gives you a 
        real surge of power.  It's weird.   (1)

NL:     Sure, I was in the navy for a while.  We were trained with 
        FNCIs, which were like M-16s, and handguns, machine guns and high
        powered rifles.  And I've done lots on TV.   (1)


9:      have you ever punched a wall in anger?

MP:     Oh yeah!  When I've moved out of rented places, I've had to do
        major wall repairs.  And I've had my share of fights.  If you 
        look at my head you can see scars from bottles, boards with
        nails in them - you name it.   (1)

NL:     Many times.  I've never broken a bone though.  The last time was
        because of very personal circumstances involving family and I 
        don't want to get into why.   (1)


10:     What would you do if you woke in the night to find a burglar
        going through your stuff?

MP:     Beat him to a pulp.  And I carry a good sized knife in my car,
        right in the open, that way it's legal.  If somebody tries to
        steal my car I'm gonna cut him.  I keep a seven iron in my car
        too - good weapons! Ha! Ha!   (1)

NL:     Attack him.  I'd react first then think later.  I don't like
        anyone going through my personal stuff at all.   (1)


Final score:    A massive eight points for Agent Good Guy.  But it's
                a record nine and a half for the bad guy.
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